Walk of Shame: Photo #187

This is what I had to walk through to get to the feminine hygiene products at the grocery store (items I was super-excited about buying in the first place).  Then I waited in the check-line staring at three separate magazine covers featuring  the beaming smiles and protruding bellies of three separate pregnant celebrity idiots (I’m talking about YOU, Kendra from The [...]

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Melancholy: Photo #119

Today the weight of my losses seems unbearable.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-W.H. Auden

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Photo #116

My mom took me to the doctor today to get my third pregnancy test and then kept me company all day so I wouldn’t have to be alone.  The call came while we were eating lunch at Larosa’s.  I’m officially not pregnant anymore.  Surprisingly, I felt almost nothing when I heard the news that my [...]

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Cheer: Photo #114

This is Petunia.  She is a watering can.  Brooke gave her to me today with the explanation: “not many people in this world needhedgehog watering cans, but you are one of them, so I knew I had to get her for you.”   And this is an example of why I love Brooke – she really knows [...]

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Doubt: Photo #112

Today is a strange day.  Despite my adamant promises to myself last night, I did get hopeful about the possibility of pregnancy and spent longer than I should have today on the internet looking for stories of successful pregnancies that started out with low hormone levels.  Then, out of curiosity, I bought a couple of [...]

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Small: Photo #111

Both Randy and I were off work today to recuperate from our whirlwind trip and to get an official pregnancy test performed at the fertility clinic.  Though we kept it very quiet, we had our frozen embryos thawed and transferred two weeks ago.  Because of signs my body was giving me in New York, I [...]

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Destructive: Photo #85

I feel very angry and destructive today.  I’m angry that people who don’t even want babies get pregnant anyway.  I’m angry that practically everyone around me has kids or is pregnant.  I’m angry that I’ve had to spend so much money on something that most everyone else gets for free.  I’m angry that our lives [...]

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Miracles: Photo #79

Today a very well-meaning older relative gave us this Woman’s Day magazine article.  Sigh.  FYI – turns out the “miracle pill” is an herbal supplement containing some kind of berry “known to increase fertility”.

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Memorium: Photo #75

I don’t know how I can miss you so much.  I don’t know what color hair would have covered your head, what your favorite food would have been, or what would have made you laugh.  I hope to find out some day.  Until then, this will have to fill a tiny, tiny fraction of the [...]

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Apple: Photo #74

Some days I feel like I’m slowly bleeding out, emotionally.  And the more blood that trickles out, the more numb my wounds become, which is a bittersweet phenomenon.  Today is one of those days.  So I’m trying to focus elsewhere – particularly on the fact that it looks like we may be taking a quick, bargain-basement [...]

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